Shortcake and No Name's fight against Cancer!

Everyone hates cancer, but few actually fight it. The story unfolds as two heroes, Shortcake and No Name, pledge to fight it.
“Aw man I’m fucking sun burnt!” states Shortcake, a fare skin complected lumberjack who is almost 5 foot 9. Average for Canadians.
“Oh no, you might have cancer!” said No Name, a pale night merchandiser a few inches taller than his friend, formerly known as black beard.
“You better get you wings, we’re going to have to battle, CANCER!”
“I’m on that, I need the Mission Impossible theme to sneak in and get it.” Stated Shortcake
“As a matter of fact, I have that right here.” Said No Name

DA dA da da dat da dat da duh da duh duh da duh dat duh duh duh duh, duh duh duh, duh duh.

“Ok, got it, on to fight….CANCER!” stated Shortcake as she danced to the pink panther.
The heroes flew to the castle that Cancer lived in, the moldy, corroded building shun in the sunlight like an old loaf of bread.
“Gross!” complained Shortcake.
“Is that what you look like without makeup?”
“Fuck you No Name!”
The heroes landed outside of the castle. There were no guards or any appearance of security. The heroes reluctantly go into the castle of Cancer. As they opened the door, Cancer was waiting.
“Welcome to your death, bitches!”
“Ah hell nah” stated Shortcake
“He just called you a bitch, oh wait he said bitches, he meant us both. Yeah, ah hell nah!” stated No Name
Shortcake lunged forward with a trident in hand, but missed.
“Alzheimer’s attack!” shouted Cancer.
Alzheimer’s came out and almost got to Shortcake, but No Name heroically threw a piece of memory foam at him and killed Alzheimer’s.
“Parkinson’s attack!”
No Name ran at Parkinson’s but is thrown into an earthquake; luckily, Shortcake throws a handful of jumping beans at him causing Parkinson’s to explode.
“Pubic lice, attack!” Screamed Cancer unassured.
“We must shave out pubic hair to not be attacked.” Yelled Shortcake
So the heroes shave and pubic lice then attacks Cancer. After that, Shortcake and No Name both throw orange juice at Cancer and destroyed it.
“We saved the world!!!!” Yelled No Name.
The world was at ease, and Shortcake could get through the sunburn, cancer free.